Today is the busiest day of the year for hospitals treating self-inflicted injuries. Think ahead—Before you raise that steel American Flagpole and hit an electric wire! I found 3 mortar casings in my yard this morning, celebratory fireworks fired into the bone-dry California firebox. Am I crazy—or are YOU mortar-firing patriots crazy?
Bullet shots peppered last night’s soundscape, and there will be more wild shooting today. See how that could lead to injury? Below are some GRUESOME cautionary tales. Share with your friends—friends keep friends alive by laughing at the gruesome nitty-gritty of this national holiday.
USA Independence Day is a festival for pyromaniacs. People lose fingers and eyes in fireworks explosions year after year, ignorant of the dangers. And the bigger the firework, the greater the damage:
4 July 2000, New York || An unlicensed pyro-spectacular display was to be the grand finale of Keith’s party, but the aerial fireworks were slow to launch. In his haste to correct the problem he peered directly into the mouth of a launching tube containing what he thought was a malfunctioning firework. But he thought wrong—the firework was just fine.
This account is verified by Darwin, as submitted by an actual ER Doctor of Medicine who treated the unfortunate patient.
5 July 2006 || “I was the lucky orthopedics resident on call the night of July 4th a few years ago. Midnight passed quietly but as dawn broke on July 5th, the telephone rang. A fellow was in the trauma unit suffering partial amputation of a finger due to an explosion. I figured that this was a typical firecracker injury and headed over to attend the patient.
“I found a gentleman peppered with thousands of black spots of embedded gunpowder—face, chest, and arms, peppered with gunpowder burns. His left middle finger was essentially missing, and the space between his right thumb and index finger split open. His airway was intubated and he had a chest tube, far more life-saving intervention than would be required for a routine firecracker injury.
The man's wife told me what happened in plain words.
He had built a small homemade cannon in order to celebrate Independence Day. He and his wife both had been drinking heavily throughout the evening. When they regained consciousness the next morning they saw some unused gunpowder! The gentleman figured he might as well finish it off. He packed it into his DIY cannon using a sawed-off broomstick.
While packing the cannon, he was also sucking on a cigarette. Lo and behold, the ash fell and ignited the powder... The broomstick was fired into his chest, ripping through his hands as hot gunpowder sprayed out of the cannon. We took him to the operating room to clean his wounds and complete the amputation.
Don’t be a Darwin Dum-Dum: Follow the rules of safety and logic today.
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‘In A Pig’s Eye’ 1991 Triple Darwin Award
This zany triple-winner is “Confirmed” because the submitter sent me an actual newspaper clipping from Eaton Ohio, a clipping I still possess. Today 31 years later, I wonder... (The archive for that newspaper is not available online.)
4 July 1991 || Three Eaton folks died on the evening of July 4th. James, Billy and Ashley were killed early Friday morning after their blue Ford pickup rolled over on country Road 24. Hogs and alcohol were contributing factors to the accident.
"We found several beer cans in and around the scene," said Sheriff Andrew Watson. The driver had a blood alcohol content twice the legal limit.
The events unfolded like this:
The three perps spent the national holiday drinking. Later that evening they were struck with sudden cravings for pork-chops. "They were popping off fireworks when Jimmy said they ought to go get some eats," reported Billy's girlfriend Emma.
At 11:00PM they drove ten miles to a pig farm, intent on stealing a hog. One of the men scaled the fence and tied the end of a rope to a plump quadriped. The other two men started pulling on the 400-lb beast. The stress of a struggling hog was too much for the 6 foot chain link fence, and a fourteen foot section collapsed loudly, startling the other hogs into a stampede.
"I was asleep when I herd this godawful noise, " explained John Wilson, owner of the farm. "I run out of the house with my shotgun and shot off both barrels in the air, and yelled at them to get on out."
The friends loaded up their stolen pig in a flash, tied the rope to the truck, and sped down the county road in excess of 90 miles per hour. Unfortunately they forgot to buckle their seat belts, but the pig was strapped in.
Three miles down the road, the hog began making a commotion in the back of the pickup truck, causing the vehicle to swerve wildly. That threw the pig from the back of the truck, and it was dragged along the dirt road for about half a mile.
Distracted by the ‘porcine drogue’, the driver hit a soft shoulder and the truck rolled 40 feet, ejecting all three men from the vehicle and killing them.The victims were discovered at 5:00AM by a passing motorist. Police caution motorists to drive sensibly on dirt roads, wear seatbelts, and refrain from drinking while driving.
The pig lived.
Submitted by: Mike Scott Reference: Eaton Express Weekly Full Names Of The Winners: James Houghton, 23, Billy Joe Pepperman, 28, Ashley Tuson, 34
This crazy triple-winner was confirmed by an actual newspaper clipping from Eaton Ohio. I have the yellowed clipping in hand. But…is this actually a spoof? An urban legend? The archive for The Eaton Express Weekly is not online. Any-and-all help to re-confirm it—welcome—please discuss in the comments.
Friends, if you are celebrating USA Independence today, be safe and sane on this notoriously dangerous holiday wowza-bunga. Tomorrow I’ll issue a recap of today’s macabre events.
-Wendy Northcutt, Thanatologist & Author of The Darwin Awards
Darwin Awards: Evolution In Action is a reader-supported publication. To support this publication, why not subscribe? Click below for payment options—I have been researching and writing Darwin Awards since 1991—Wendy
